Well, before some idiot could expose the plot of the new Indiana Jones movie to me I hit an afternoon show yesterday. I’m not going to bore or ruin the movie you, and I must say as an Indy fan that I did like it. It did leave me with questions though. Like – What the heck ever happened to Short Round? Did Indy leave him somewhere? Is he dead? Since Lost Ark actually takes place after Temple of Doom what the hell happened to this kid he supposedly liked? He never mentioned him after that, and was Data in the Goonies his relative or did he and Indy pick up an elixir of eternal youth somewhere on the way back to Delhi that Shorty swallowed accidentally and then decided to move to Astoria, OR to live out the rest of eternity on the Goon Docks where he would later become friends with the kid whose dad was Gomez Addams and possibly a hobbit? If anyone out there knows then please help me out.
Maybe I think too much about this stuff. Does that make me a fanboy? (Shudder) OK, now I tried to see it with no expectations, but of course that is usually easier said than done. As I mulled over the movie and the questions it left me with I thought of some other Lucas and Spielberg creations they may want to consider doing sequels to. Of course what do I know about making movies, but anyway, here’s the short list.
Willow 2
Madmartigan and Willow reunite to take an evil all-powerful ring across an arid landscape encountering elves and other fantastical creatures in order to toss it into a volcano. Oh, wait – that’s been done. Scratch that. But then again, when has turning a used up plot into a blockbuster movie ever stopped Lucas and Spielberg? And they could put Mikey Walsh Sean Astin) from the Goonies in it too!
Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind in 3D!
Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) returns from space after 30 years of living with naked gray aliens. He finds his wife Ronnie (Terri Garr) waiting when he gets off the ship with a court order slapping him with a divorce and three decades of back child support. His kids, now grown, wonder why he abandoned them and their mother to run off with a big headed Gumby that talks in sign language. Roy, who longs for simple the days of making mashed potato models of geological formations, reboards the ship and runs away from real life again because that’s what he does best.
Howard the Duck 2 – the Homequacking
Howard T. Duck, who never explains why the duck people of his world have such obvious last names, reunites with Beverly (Lea Thompson) only to find she’s been raising his bastard son Junior (Shia LeBeouf). They try retrieve a crystal duck skull that will lead them to a hidden city from an evil dominatrix played by Kate Blanchet. The mayhem ensues, Howard has a tense moment when Blanchet’s character tries to ball-gag him in a bondage scene right out of a Betty Page film. Lucas pretty much gives away the plot to the story in the first five minutes of his movie.
Gremlins 3: All For the Money Baby
This one has less of a plot than Gremlins 2 and basically just hopes to milk some money out of nostalgic fans. Gremlins – 3 rules – oops, fed them after midnight – water – mayhem – bright light – the end.
Ewoks: The Marketing Ploy
The Ewoks are helped by their newly appointed chief, LOO-Kass, who inexplicably runs around with cinnamon buns taped to the side of his head, to realize the profit potential in their very image. They then decide to taxiderm themselves in the hopes of putting a stuffed Ewok in every home in the galaxy. It works, and there’s even a McDonald’s toy tie in that suckers kids from every corner of the known universe into eating crappy food that makes them fat and hyperactive in the hopes of collecting all 42 Ewok figures. Unfortunately as the money grows their population shrinks until Loo-Kass gets to keep it all while surrounding himself with toadies who never tell him any of his ideas might be crappy.
Well, folks – this is the stuff that I think about and now you get to share. Yeah, medication might help
